What is it about walking into a school playground for the first time as an adult?
All those fears come flooding back and I was feeling them for the most precious person in my life.
Will they be ok?
Will they speak to anyone?
Will they make friends?
Will they miss me?
I hope they do not cry!
I hope they make friends!
I hope they don’t forget me!
For nearly 5 years I had invested everything into that little person, and I was now giving them into the care of someone else, I hoped they were looked after well, but not so well that at pick up time, my baby wanted their teacher or their friends more than me.
Quite how much I enjoyed being a mum was a total surprise to me, I was career driven, good at my job and had no intention of starting a family when I found out I was pregnant. If I am honest I had doubts and pregnancy was not a joy!
But the moment my gorgeous daughter was born it was love a first sight and a more powerful love than I have ever felt before. Every part of her was magical and what was more she was not so tiny that I could be fearful of breaking her, she was perfect and she was mine.
Everything that I had done before, school, work all of it paled into insignificance I had this beautiful baby who needed me and only me.
And that is when it began.
I did not want to let go of her, I certainly did not want anyone else to be involved in doing anything for her, she was mine, I was hers and that was all either of us needed.
I adored everything about her, holding her in my arms was perfect, I didn’t want to let her go, I can’t exactly describe that feeling but it was more intense, more wonderful than anything.
Those first few years, I shared her a little, but not so much that she was influenced by anyone else, she was mine and she turned to me for everything.
When she was happy I knew first.
When she was sad it was me she turned to.
When she was ill I was the one who could make it better
I became identified by her, I was her mum and it sounded good, it sounded good as long as she was with me as my life revolved around her. I did not need my old life, my career, the social life the material things. All I needed, all I wanted was, to be the best mum ever to her.
That changed the moment, wide eyed and curious she walked into her first classroom, with just a little look back to me for reassurance.
From that moment, increasing hours a day, the most important person in her life was not me and that was not going to change, all kinds of people would be coming into contact with her and they would have influence over her.
At the end of the day, she skipped out of school along with her newly made friends, into my arms ready to share her excitement and looking forward for the days, months and years ahead.
From that day onwards life had changed for us both, she would be finding herself wide eyed and yearning for all the knowledge she could glean and I was lost set adrift from a role I had finessed, not knowing exactly where I would fit in to the new shape of our relationship.
From the moment I waved her off, I said Goodbye to my Invented Self and Self Confidence, and Hello to Anxiety.
It didn’t change as she grew older, Nursery to Infant School, Infant to Junior, Junior to High, High to 6th Form, 6th Form to College and now into the huge world of Independence.
I have begun to live in the moment, understand it is her life to lead and just to let her know I will always be there.
I’ve learned to control my breathing when she is out and the Butterflies turn to Ants in my stomach, before the nausea comes. Stop myself projecting my fears onto her and to encourage her to live her life, every single moment of it, without fear.
I often wonder where my fears came from and it was not until I started to understand how much of our behaviour is moulded by the experiences we have, which are stored in our subconscious that I began to understand.
My own mother struggled with anxiety, for all of the time I knew her, she worried incessantly wanting to protect me to the point where I became frightened to follow my dreams. To always play safe and not strike out. And whilst I didn’t realise it at the time, and only understand now, what I experienced through my early life was being absorbed into my subconscious to effect my everyday.
The Cambridge Dictionary defines Subconscious as:
The part of your mind that notices and remembers information when you are not actively trying to do so, and influences your behaviour even though you do not realise it:
What few of us realise is that our subconscious makes up over 85% of our mind with the conscious part around 9%, meaning that subconscious part is constantly influencing our reactions, emotions and behaviours.
How many of us are haunted by ghosts from our past?
It doesn’t have to be that way!
Hypnotherapy breaks into that subconscious. A therapist can help you tap into that part of your mind, develop new coping strategies and help you put your ghosts to rest.